Book review - The Promise That Changes Everything

Over the last few months, I’ve watched and heard quite a few TV and media interviews, where the interviewer has constantly interrupted the person they are interviewing. It’s led to a very disconnected discussion (which is probably the aim) and has left me with a really uncomfortable feeling of a lack of respect and noticeably disrupted thinking on the part of the interviewee. And, I’ve seen this increasing in other conversations closer to home, particularly when we’re talking about emotive topics like politics. I’m feeling more and more like things are very black and white, when we sometimes need a little more grey.

Screenshot 2021-03-28 at 15.07.04.png

So, this book feels very timely. Since I read Nancy Kline’s book, ‘Time to Think’, I’ve been very conscious of the power of listening, particularly in the context of helping people to develop independent thinking. In this book, she suggests that to radically improve our communication – and our relationships – we need to make a promise not to interrupt.

She explains that when we interrupt someone, we’re interrupting their thinking. For me, that usually means I start the next sentence after an interruption, with “now, where was I?”. That constant interruption in our thinking is impacting our relationships, our conversations and dare I say it, our intelligence.

Kline provides a host of examples and case studies of how this works, how we can move to action to improve this and introduces some new words and concepts – like ‘conformonomics’ and ‘digistraction’. The latter will change your thinking about how and why you use your phone, I promise you. She lays out ten components of a thinking environment and explores the environment we’re in that makes interruption so easy and independent thinking so very hard. This includes how we interrupt ourselves.

Since I’ve read this book, I’ve been deliberately aiming to listen, without interruption, to whoever I speak to. I’ve had to work really hard to be intentionally aware of the feelings that arise when I feel the urge to interrupt and which can override my natural curiosity to find out more. I’m aiming now to find out more about WHY someone is thinking in that way, which means allowing them to speak, without interruption. As with any habit change, it’s definitely not easy, but I’ve found that it’s already leading to much more interesting conversations.

If this approach can help us reduce the increasing polarisation we’re seeing in the world and improve the quality of our communication, then I’d say this book is a very wise investment for anyone who cares about their relationships.