2020 has been my year of focusing on listening. As the volume seems to have been turned up on the world this year and we’ve had so many more connections through a screen, I’ve been determined to become a better listener. And, as more and more big changes are rippling through organisations (with many more likely to come in the next few months), I’m on a mission to help leaders and managers improve in this space too.
Being listened to – and that means properly and actively listened to - is right up there on the list of things that can really help people when they are facing big changes. This feels like such an important topic, so I’m dedicating a series of posts in the next week on this topic.
In this first post, it’s an exploration of how you find out if you’ve got a listening problem (either face to face or virtually).
Let’s imagine that you’re in a small meeting with a handful of colleagues. There has been a lot happening in your business over the last few months. So, does any of this sound familiar when you get together?
You get an unexpected response to something you’ve said – either a negative comment or no comments at all
When you leave the meeting, you reflect that you’ve been talking much more than you planned… which means…
You’re using the first person - ‘I’ – a lot in whatever you’re talking about
Getting distracted by something else – you’re checking and scrolling on your phone while someone is speaking
Your mind keeps wandering. You suddenly hear your name being repeated and you’re being asked a question that you didn’t hear in the first place
You’re interrupting people or finishing their sentences
You can hear a voice in your head clearly saying something like “I know what the solution is to this” or “why are we wasting time on this now?”
Assuming you know what someone is going to say so switching off or interrupting (see above!)
If you’re noticing these things, here’s how they might be showing up for the person who thinks you are (supposed to be) listening to them:
My opinion doesn’t count. I’m not being heard – so it’s hardly worth speaking up is it?
I don’t feel that my views are respected – and nor am I
I’ve shared some thoughts and ideas, but I don’t think people have listened to me properly to really understand what I’m getting at. This stuff is important to our business
I’ve got a great idea that I wanted to test out and get feedback on. It doesn’t feel like anyone’s interested so I don’t think I’m going to bother
I’m waiting to be corrected – again
I know I’m going to get a crap response to whatever I suggest. It doesn’t feel great (or safe) to offer up new ideas
That’s not what I said?
These meetings are getting very samey – I’m just waiting to be told what to do
No-one really listens. We’re not sorting out the tricky stuff, we’re just skirting around the edges
So, what’s getting in the way of good listening? Here’s my top six things:
We feel that we’re just too busy and don’t have time. It’s not just an overloaded day job that’s making people feel overwhelmed. It’s all the other noise going on around us, including from the news and social media and a feeling that big changes are now a constant.
Trying to do more than one thing at once. According to Professor Stefan Van der Stigchel, the author of, ‘Staying Focused in Times of Distraction’, “if you try to do multiple things at the same time, you’re actually switching between tasks. This results in time costs, more errors but also in higher stress levels.” Probably best to stick to one thing at a time.
We’re worried about something else – preoccupation and rumination can often go hand in hand. If we’re worrying about something, we might be too busy concentrating on that, to really listen to what else is going on. Most commonly, I hear this when I’m on a call with someone and they keep telling me how busy they are.
Assumptions. Related to the point above. Assumptions can often be a short cut but they kill conversation. They can be dangerous too, particularly in large-scale organisational change. It can sometimes feel over the top to stop, explore something and ask questions, but often, it needs to be done to either stop an assumption becoming an issue or a risk, or eliminate it altogether.
Am I going to get a harmful or helpful response? In the book, ‘Be Less Zombie’ the author talks about building ‘creative conflict capabilities’. I offered the following suggestion, “Make it a habit to ask, “Will this feedback be helpful or harmful?... That question helps people reconsider or reframe their feedback in ways that build people’s confidence to be vulnerable and share unconventional ideas”. Not listening can stop ideas and opportunity in their tracks.
You’re listening to the loud folk. Many years ago, on a big project with a very well-known brand, I was the newbie in a meeting of around 15 people. Despite feeling very nervous (I had said nothing up to this point), I asked a question about a business model that I didn’t understand. That question, led to another discussion, which got rid of several assumptions that others had in the room and saved another meeting. To find out more about why we listen to loud people, read “Messengers, who we listen to, who we don’t and why”. It’ll help.
Does any of this sound familiar? Can you recognise how much opportunity at an individual and organisational level can potentially be lost by not really listening to what’s being said?
In my next post, I’ll explore some resources that I’ve found really interesting (in addition to the ones here) that might help to improve your listening skills.
References:
The Psychologist September 2020, Books
Be Less Zombie, Elvin Turner, Wiley
Messengers, Who we listen to, Who we don’t and Why? – Stephen Martin, Joseph Marks