When we have a position on a topic, like climate change, politics or even our diets, we can very easily believe that we need to get everyone on board with our way of thinking.
But, have you ever been in a discussion where someone has shared phrases like, “We all need to do this because it’ll improve X,Y,Z” or in the case of climate change, “the science is telling us X,Y,Z” or “why aren’t you doing X,Y,Z”? How does that make you feel?
Image: Michael Fallon, unsplash
If you’re anything like me, it’s made me feel slightly bulldozed. I mostly feel judged that I’m not doing enough, I’m not meeting someone’s expectations or that I’m inferior. In the worst case, I’ve felt like an idiot. And that’s made me switch off and at times, feel really cross. And for the other person? I hear them say things like, “I don’t understand why they just don’t get it/can’t see it…”, “why aren’t they DOING this?”
As a result, both sides feel frustrated and end up further apart. There’s zero opportunity for a conversation because if you’re on the receiving end of that exchange, your priorities and values have been challenged. And you’ve been made to feel inferior, so the opportunity to explore different options has almost vanished.
Instead of meeting you where you are, the other person has tried to bring you to where they are.
So, what do we need to do when we want to go where people are and have a better conversation in both our personal and professional lives?
1. Roles
A few years ago, I heard Greta Thunberg speak, and around the same time I met some schoolchildren who were taking part in climate school strikes on Fridays. As a result, I got really engaged in activities around climate change and have been incorporating this into my work ever since.
In 2019 I went on a course run by the Carbon Literacy Project to become a qualified Carbon Literacy trainer. For a few weeks, I shared everything I knew about carbon and methane (and other greenhouse gases) and what we needed to do to mitigate the challenges, with anyone who would listen. I got evangelical and a bit preachy. And, despite everything I do in my work around listening, I wasn’t having conversations with people. I wasn’t going where they were. I wasn’t finding out what we had in common as a place to start from.
With hindsight, I believe that some of my broadcasting was down to fear and worry and a desire for everyone to catch up quickly. It meant I wasn’t listening to other people’s priorities and so no-one was on board with my way of thinking to create the change I thought everyone could see we needed. So, I stepped back to think about what wasn’t working.
When you are implementing change in your organisation, the first thing to do is step back and think about who you are communicating the change with and what it could mean for them.
2. Listen
Getting nowhere with my approach, I used my coaching skills and got into listening mode. Rather than sharing unsolicited advice and making assumptions that I knew what was best for people, I got into detective mode. I was listening out for what was important. I was looking for clues as to what we might have in common that could relate to the topic.
As just one example, I spoke at a local Women’s Institute meeting about climate change. Based on what I’ve learned, I didn’t go in with lots of facts and figures. We played environmental bingo. We talked about what was already working, what was important to them and what they might want to explore or do further. I shared facts when it made sense, felt right or someone asked. A game of bingo gave me the opportunity to listen and for them to explore.
When you are communicating about change in your organisation, create opportunities where you can listen to people across the board. For leaders, it could be regular walkabouts where you can speak to people one to one or in small groups. Or think about using Frequently Asked Questions to spark discussions in Town Halls or other meetings on specific subjects,
3. Mind your language
Do you know what judgement sounds or feels like? For me, it feels like this… advice I haven’t asked for when what I really wanted was a conversation, sympathy or empathy or folk using words like ‘ought’ or ‘should’ or asking me why I’m not doing X,Y,Z.
I’m learning to respond (rather than react) and asking for clarification. In some cases, I’ve shared how this approach has made me feel – much the way a good friend did when I’ve come across as judgemental to them. In all cases, it’s led to a very helpful conversation.
When you’re talking to people, avoid using phrases like, “we need to do this because…”. Instead, think about questions you might ask to help open conversations and explore someone else’s point of view.
4. Question your own assumptions
In our busy, busy world, we move from one thing to another in our personal and work lives, using assumption as a shortcut to keep making progress. But, when we stop to question those assumptions, have good conversations, and see things from other people’s perspective, we can learn so much more.
5. Recognise that you're dealing with people's feelings
Going where people are and meeting them there is about recognising emotions and feelings. When topics can be really emotive like politics, climate change or a difference of opinion at work, it can provoke a host of different responses, from frustration to anger, overwhelm, sadness, guilt or fear.
Understanding this can take us out of a position of judgement and have a much better conversation, human to human.
The Zen Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh explained that understanding is the best gift you can give another person.
Going where people are and creating understanding might just be the gift we need to keep giving, to help create the change we all need.
There are lots of ways to navigate tricky conversations as a result of change. I’d love to know – what’s worked for you? Hit reply and let me know.
If you’d like to discuss any issues around making change happen, please get in touch to book a free 30-minute chat.